


For Better or for Worse

by 3ndoftheline



Series: Lost and Found [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 05:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9307604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ndoftheline/pseuds/3ndoftheline
Summary: Were all love stories supposed to be this complicated?





	

**Author's Note:**

> here's the part two that i promised literally months ago and never gave :-) i hope you all enjoy and a new part for Savior should be going up soon within the hour along with another one shot that i forgot to post around christmas time (shocking, i know). anyways, thank you so much for being so patient with me and leaving all of your lovely comments and kudos, they all mean so much to me. thank you.

Bucky’s smile was all I saw for two years, seven months and eighteen days.

He had become Bucky after the first date, his first name was used when I was annoyed with him or teasing him, same as mine was to him. He became a permanent fixture four months after our first date, seemingly worming his way into my life and made me forget what life was like before him.

I was happy. He made me happy, he made my mundane life suddenly burst like a kaleidoscope of laughter and colors and _happiness_. He was everywhere, I saw him in the simplest of things. I saw the silver of his arm in the moon. I saw his smile in ice cream and chocolate and everything sweet, I saw the mahogany of his hair in crowded park benches and blooming trees.

Being with Bucky was easy. It was so easy I didn’t even have to think about it. He was there when I needed him to be there but understood when I wanted space more than anyone else I had ever met. He understood when I was so stressed that sometimes I’d need a hug but most times he’d just make sure I was properly fed and slept well and in a few days’ time I’d crawl out of my shell and curl into his lap where he’d kiss away my mumbled apologies.

The only time it got hard was at night when I’d wake up to him mumbling and trembling. He didn’t thrash or punch or kick. It was like he was paralyzed with terror until I was able to coax him awake and he’d bolt up, panting and gasping for air as he'd look at me with wide, empty eyes. He’d pull me in close and I’d hold his huge body against mine until his erratic breathing calmed. I never asked about his nightmares. The few times I did it led to horrible fights that left both of us miserable and hurt.

So I learned not to ask and we fell into a pattern. As long as I didn’t ask or pressure him, he'd tell me when he was ready. Which was rare, he never told me anything about his nightmares until one night.

He woke up shaking and drenched in sweat and I opened my arms and let him curl into me. His arms held me impossibly close and his breath was quick against my collarbone. “They take you from me,” he whispered and I had to strain to hear him. “Every night. And they make me watch as you…as–”

“Sh,” I hushed him quickly as my heart tore in two. I didn’t know who _they_ were, I assumed it was Hydra or whoever tore his life apart and left him to mend the broken pieces. And to know they were still affecting him like this, it made me want to cry for him and want to carry his pain all at the same time. “I love you. No one is ever going to take me away, I promise.” He calmed down faster than he did most nights, like a piece of his burden had melted away. But I was wrong. They never did take me away, Bucky’s demons.

Instead, they took him from me.

He left. Without a word, without a text, without a call. I came home from class one day and all of his stuff was gone. It was like he had never even been there. The only slightest inclination that I had left of him was the pendant of a rose that hung around my neck. Gifted to me on our two year, it was Bucky’s way of saying he loved me without ever saying it. He liked to call me petal; it was his nickname for me. I didn’t know why, he never told me and whenever I asked he got oddly silent and kissed me until I was breathless.

There were nights where I’d grip the rose so hard the shape would be bruised in palm for days until I furiously tried to rub it away, angry at him and myself.

For a long time, I thought he was dead. Perhaps, he had gone on a mission and never returned. But Steve never visited, no one did and I was pretty sure I was supposed to get some sort of notification if the love of my life suddenly fell off the face of this Earth.

But I got nothing and then in a newspaper one day, I saw him receiving the Medal of Honor alongside Steve, his lips pulled into a smile.

And I was angry. I wasn't sad anymore. All the tears I shed, all the times I screamed into my pillow over a broken heart were gone. The gaping hole in my chest closed up and hardened over. I became bitter. I was angry at him for just leaving, leaving me by myself with no explanation, _nothing_. I was furious that he didn’t have the audacity to try and tell me something was wrong, to talk to me. He didn’t even try. He just…left.

So I stopped mourning over Bucky Barnes. Every time I saw a picture of him smiling and with Steve, or Sam, it drove a nail through my heart but I didn’t let myself dwell in the pain. I moved on. I burned every picture we had together and deleted every trace of him from my life. He had moved on, he was living his life, why the hell couldn’t I?

I graduated university and promptly threw myself into graduate school until I got my masters. My research propelled me into a doctorate at the age of twenty-six. At the ceremony my picture was printed in the newspaper for being one of the youngest holders of a doctorate in my field. I got a small column, but it was front page and my smiling face was there. Even in the picture, you could make out the rose pendant over my white gown, the one thing of Bucky I could never get rid of.

I walked home from work one day, whistling as I thought about the last piece of my congratulatory cake from my parents that were waiting for me to devour at my apartment. I saw a figure leaning against the wrought iron fence that caged in the front garden of my apartment complex. I didn’t think much of it, since there were people milling out there all the time. Until the figure became clearer and I froze into place.

It was _him_. Bucky, _my_ Bucky. Leaning against the black iron, his hair had been cut short, but long enough for someone to drag their hands through and get a good grip. He was leaner but he was the same. His arms folded across his broad chest and the same stubble that dusted his strong jaw.

“Hi petal,” he whispered and my entire world came crashing down. The hard knot that had formed in my chest seemed to unravel in a second. But I refused to let myself fall to his feet like a lovesick fool (which I probably would have done if I didn’t have a shred of self-control). I deserved an explanation, I deserved a _fucking_ apology.

“Why?” Was what I managed out.

“I saw your picture in the newspaper,” he murmured and there was a flash of pride in his eyes. “Youngest person in your field with a doctorate. I just…wanted to say congratulations.”

“Congratulations?” I wanted to scream. “That’s all you have to say to me? After all these years, you want to say _congratulations_? That’s _it_?”

“Petal–”

“No, James. You don’t get to _petal_ me. You’ve got some fucking nerve coming back here after all this time. Congratulations? That’s it?” I shook my head and forced the hot, angry tears down my throat. I was so angry I was vibrating. “Is that all you were going to do? Drop by say _oh by the way, congrats on your life! So glad I was there to see it_ and just waltz away again? Is that it?”

“No,” Bucky sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. He fell silent as he seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say as he toed the ground with his boot.

“I’m so mad at you,” I whispered. “I’m so, so mad at you.”

“I know, petal. I know.” He took a step forward and I winced. The pain that twisted his face went straight to my stomach but he didn’t move any closer. “You should be. You should hate me.”

 _But I don’t_. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him, I wanted to yell at him and make him regret every second that he left me. But I couldn’t do it. Not with him, right here, _finally_ here. I wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and forget everything. But I couldn’t do that, not yet.

“Just…tell me why,” I finally forced out. “Was it me? Did I do–”

“No,” his voice was so fierce it shocked me. “God, _no_ , it wasn’t you. Don’t think for a second it was you.” He shook his head as he brushed a shock of hair from his forehead. “I wanted…I was trying to protect you.”

“From _what_?” Bucky shook his head as his eyes begged me to understand. I didn’t. How could I? “Protect me from what? I deserve to know.”

I watched as his throat worked tightly before he fiddled with the buttons on his jacket. After a long stretch of silence, he finally spoke. “It…things were getting, bad. At the tower. Hydra was starting to infiltrate the systems and was getting information… _valuable_ information. And they were threatening everyone, everyone’s families. Clint had to relocate his wife and kids four times because of Hydra.” He chewed his lip for a moment before he glanced at the bushes that peeked through the rails of the fence. “They didn’t know about you. Nobody did. But, if Hydra found out about you…do you know what they would’ve done? My nightmares would’ve become a reality. I couldn’t…I _can’t_ let them do that to you.”

“So you left,” I said bluntly and this time Bucky flinched.

“I put it off for as long as I could,” he whispered. “It was…it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Leaving you. And I couldn’t tell you, you’d want to come with me or you’d beg me to stay and honestly I would’ve. I’d do anything for you. But I had to do this. I had to keep you safe. Charlie, you have to understand. I did this for you.”

I shook my head and I didn’t realize I was crying until Bucky made a soft sound in the back of his throat. He hated when I cried. It was the one thing that made him crack. I wiped furiously at my cheeks and hid my face by looking at the ground beneath me. “It sucked,” I whispered.

“I know, baby, believe me.” Bucky’s breath rattled in his chest. “I wanted to come back, I thought about it every day. But Hydra…they weren't stopping and it took so much longer than anyone thought. But I never stopped thinking about you, I never stopped.”

“You could’ve told me,” I whimpered as I tried to keep the sobs from my throat. “I would’ve understood…we could’ve figured something out.”

“Maybe. I couldn’t take that chance, Charlie. I couldn’t put you in danger. Not now, not ever.”

“What about now?” I asked as I heard a car honk off in the distance. “Is Hydra gone?”

“For now.” Bucky didn’t sound too convinced.

I shook my head as I pulled my hair back and finally met his eyes. They were churning with anguish and an ancient pain that was only just beginning to shine through. “So what do we do now? You come back and we pick up where we left off? Then Hydra comes back and you leave me alone again? I can’t live like that, Bucky. I can’t give you everything and watch you walk away again, I can’t do it.”

Bucky took a step forward, and another, and another until he was right in front of me. “I’m not asking you to do that.” His voice was so soft and sweet and just how I remembered. Some of him had changed, but most of him was the same. “I have…I have an idea but it’s not something we’ll talk about now. I just…I had to see you, Charlie. These six years…it’s been hell without you. I thought I could do it, but I can’t.”

“I was so angry at you,” I murmured as I stared at him. “I thought…I didn’t know what to think. I thought you were dead, and then I thought you left because of me, then I hated you then I hated myself. Then I just got so angry…so fucking angry. And I tried to move on, I tried to forget you but I _can’t_. And I just…I missed you Bucky. I missed you so fucking much and there was nothing I could do about it.”

He reached a hand out and caught a fluttering curl and tucked it behind my ear. A zip of electricity passed over me when his fingers brushed against my skin. His fingertips trailed over the line of my jaw, then my cheek, my lips, my nose and my eyes as if he were re-mapping me. His touch passed over my neck and collarbone before his palm rested against the side of my neck, right where my pulse was.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and his voice cracked. “I’m so sorry, Charlie…you have no idea. You have no idea what I would give to take these last six years away and make them into something good. I never wanted to hurt you. I never knew…I’m sorry, petal. God, I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

“I know.” For years I imagined how this moment would go, how I would yell at Bucky and tell him off. How I would be strong and brave before him. But I realized now that perhaps the bravest I could be was forgiving him. He had punished himself enough, I could see that. I wanted to be angry at him but suddenly it wasn’t worth it.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispered. He took another step forward and I couldn’t help but reach my hand out and touch his chest, just over his heart. Just to feel his heart beat and believe he was real. Bucky’s hand covered my own, his left one, covered in a glove.

“How long can you stay?” I asked and Bucky’s breath caught in the back of his throat. It was as if time was suspended and we were delicately treading along, not wanting this moment to be shattered.

“I don’t know.” He brought his head down and pressed his lips into my hair and breathed deeply. “For a little bit, but not long enough.”

I nodded and stepped back to unclip the chain that held the necklace around my neck. I took his left hand in my own and laid the pendant in his palm. “So you have something to remember me by, whenever you have to leave again.”

“Charlie, I can’t–”

“Bucky please,” I stopped him in a soft voice. “It’ll…um it’ll make things maybe a little easier. Just to remind you that there’s a home for you. Wherever you are.”

Bucky nodded as he closed his hand round the pendant. He brought his fist up and kissed his clenched fingers as he brushed his thumb along my jaw. I don’t know what it was, the tenderness of how he touched me or just the whole situation in itself, but a wave of emotion that I had been holding back crashed over me and I lunged at Bucky, throwing myself onto him.

He caught me easily and pressed me so close to him as I felt his muscles contract and pull beneath me. I breathed out a sigh that I had been holding in as I buried my head into his shoulder, breathing in all of him.

“I love you,” he whispered and the last bit of resistance that I had in me melted away as he pressed kisses into my neck. “I love you, I love you, I never stopped loving you.”

I started crying again as Bucky pressed my back against the fence as his hands roamed every inch of me and his lips pressed against my collarbone, neck, face, forehead, everywhere he could reach. “I love you too, Bucky,” I sighed against him and it felt _so_ good to say it. “I love you more than you know.”

He released a strangled sob as he clutched me so close to him I almost couldn’t breathe. “You have no idea…what – dear _God_ Charlie, you don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.”

I started laughing. It was so good to laugh again. And even when Bucky kissed me, I couldn’t stop smiling. He laughed too, deep and throaty and when he pulled back his lips were red and glistening and his eyes sparkled again.

“Before we get any further,” I said as Bucky leaned down to kiss my jaw and cheek. “What’s this plan you mentioned? I want to get all the serious stuff out of the way before we start anything.”

Bucky froze and when I leaned back to look at him, he suddenly reminded me of the nervous guy who had asked me out in the dining hall all those years before. “I – um, okay.” He nodded, mostly to himself, and took a deep breath. “I love you, more than anything in my entire life. And you’re it, y’know? You’re all I want and um…I kind of know I can’t really be without you. But the world…s’not getting any better so. I was gonna leave, the Avengers, and all. To be with you. But Tony convinced me to stay but I said I would only if there was some way to protect you. Properly. And he came up with something which I think could work. It’s a long shot but it’s something and I, um–”

“Buck,” I laughed. “Spit it out.”

“Okay, okay. Yeah, totally. Spit it out. Right.” He shook his head before he stared me deep in the eyes and blurted out, “Come live in the tower with me.”

“What?” I gaped at him. “The Avengers Tower…like _the_ Avengers.”

“Yeah, uh, I know it’s a lot. It’s a huge change. And I know you just got this gig with the university, not that I actually _know_ that or looked it up or anything, whatever. Anyways, um, it’s just; it was the only way I’d stay. But if you’re not up for it then I get it, I do. It’s a big change and it’s a lot to ask but–”

“Yes.”

“–we already sort of lived together, well, we _did_ live together, before everything so it won’t be so different but still it’s change and–” his voice suddenly faded as his brain connected with his mouth. “Wait…you said yes.”

“Yes,” I repeated with a smile. “I did.”

“You actually said yes. Just like that.” Bucky stared at me in shock as he slowly processed what I was saying.

“Just like that,” I reiterated. “I’ve wanted to move out for a while. I’ve been trying to find something closer to the university. The Avengers tower is a five minute walk. What have I got to lose? Besides, Bucky, it’s the _Avengers_. Why the hell would I ever say no?”

Bucky blinked. Once. Twice. Then he smiled. His beautiful, brilliant smile that split across his face and he laughed like he did when he didn’t have a care in the world. It was rare when he laughed like that, but I always remembered when he did.

“So, you’re saying yes? We’re doing this?”

I laughed as I threw my arms around his neck and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips that he followed when I pulled away. “Yes, Bucky. I’ll move in with you.”

He kissed me hard, all lips and hot breath as he braided his fingers through my hair and secured me to him. Once I was sufficiently breathless, he pulled away with the brightest sparkle in his eyes. “You’ll love it petal, honest. The place has got a balcony so you can do your studying and grading and look over the city and we’ve got the whole floor to ourselves so we’ve got a living room, kitchen, everything. You can decorate however you want to, I’ll repaint whatever, whatever you want Tony already said the floor is ours so we can change it however we want to.”

I giggled like I was five years old again when Bucky breathed out a sigh and pulled me in close again. He spun me around and I couldn’t even suppress the grin even if I wanted to. “Never thought you’d be so excited about decorating,” I teased once he set me down again.

He looked at me with serious eyes and it knocked the smile off my face. “Charlie…I thought you hated me, I _expected_ you to hate me. To tell me off, to turn me away and never want to see me again. Now, you’re moving in with me. It’s…surreal.”

“Hate you? How could I hate you?” I repeated the same words he said to me at the dining hall and suddenly we were young and stupid and hopelessly in love all over again.

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered as he kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and reveled in the warmth of him, a part of me savoring it just in case this was all just some fucked up dream.

“C’mon,” I whispered as I pulled back and threaded my fingers with his. “There’s one more person you have to apologize to.” Bucky’s brows furrowed until he heard an insistent barking from one of the third floor windows. In the second window from the left, my black lab was paws up against the window, practically throwing himself against the glass as his eyes locked on Bucky. Bucky tilted his head back and laughed as he allowed me to tug him into my apartment complex.

And the moment I saw him embrace my dog and talk to him in hushed, apologetic tones for the next half hour, I knew he would stay. And I vowed to myself that I’d never let anything take him away from me.

Not now, not ever.


End file.
